I am single and ready to mingle! (Part 1)

If you are not from India and reading this post, the title might suggest that I am about to enter my teenage and ready to start my dating spree. But being in India, for me it could mean only one thing, ready to get married. I decided to get married in the traditional Indian manner where your parents select the prospective bride for you after applying careful filtering techniques like family, horoscope etc. In fact, in the modern India it boiled down to two level filtering technique where I receive a list of photos of filtered brides after phase one where I can run my selection algorithm, select a subset of them, meet them and talk to them may be a couple of times and make up my mind.

My many non-Indian friends raised an eye-brow, scorned at me or in the least, opened their jaw wide open when I told them the procedure. Their most common question with their wide opened eyes and overwhelmingly flabbergasted hand gestures is “How! How man! How does it work?”. And my well practiced serene answer to that would, “Dude! Its complicated but it works. Based on the statistics I know of, it worked in the past.”. The next question after a pause would be “Why man? Why?”. Then I had to give a brief lecture about Indian customs, tradition, family structure. Any hows, thats the material for another post.

Now, coming to the main point of the post is the question asked by infinitely many uncles, aunts, grand mothers, grand fathers, friends’ parents, their parents, their neighbors, their dogs and their neighbors’ dogs, who are all really, willingly and enthusiastically interested in searching for a suitable bride for me would be, “What kind of girl do you want beta?”. Although I am tempted to give an honest answer, I normally blabber some politically correct statements to the effect of approval of the person who asked the question. This is partly because the honest answer is much more long and complex and partly because it might seem eccentric to the social/age group who usually ask this question. So I thought this might be the subject of matter of the first serious post I want to write on this newly started blog.

I already met few girls after following the two phase filtering procedure described above. Ideally, I would like to tell my honest answer to that earlier question to the girl I am meeting because thats what I am, thats how I think. But usually these meeting will not last more than a few minutes where regular bio-data oriented questions are asked and answered. I/She already knows answers to most of the questions. In fact, there is a brief period of un-comfortability before this meeting happens because the girl’s father/mother usually initiates the process by asking me, “Would you like to talk to the girl?”. I had to appear neutral not too keen on talking to the girl at the same time not refusing the offer. After a series of complex head movements and hand gestures by me, we meet. Usually, I break the ice by asking something which I am told just a few minutes before; saying something like, “So you finished degree last year! Cool. Thats cool”. Then the usual talk about college, work, whats the next plan etc etc. During the entire meeting, there is a constant breath on the neck that we are not supposed to talk “too long”. Once I spent a little more than 15 minutes in talking and I started getting missed calls from my family members.

Coming back to the point, I usually do not get enough time to really communicate lengthy arguments about my philosophy of life. As it happened till now, no such seeing of the girl became fruitful. But in future, in case both the parties decide to go ahead with the pact, I might get another chance to speak to the girl for longer, express my views and also know more about her.

Warning: From here, the post might be very serious, philosophical and boring.

Firstly, I have seen many marriages that turned out to be kind of disaster for all the people who are involved due to the differences that arose between them, most importantly between the girl and guy’s mother. Anyone who watches “Everybody loves Raymond” knows what I am talking about. In fact, in one of the movies, when asked about how the marriage life is, one of the characters says, its like Everybody loves Raymond except that its not that funny and it wont last just for 20 minutes but goes on and on. So I want my wife to embrace all my family members as her own, treat them as if they are her own family members. And I am ready to reciprocate the same from my side, if her parents need to be taken care of in the old age, her sister/brother needs to be taken care of, I will by all means do it very happily. I do not want the family to disintegrate either on my side or on her side after the marriage. It should only result in more bonding and bigger family.

I had a conversation about the same with one of my friends who is about to get married. He had some issues with the mother of the fiancee. According to him, she (the mother) is very mean, demanding and irrational. He propounded that my logic fails for him because why should he entertain her with her all illogical demands and behavior. Then I asked him what if your parents, for some reason, behave like her and your wife mistreats them. He said, “My parents would never do it, they are much more sensible than hers.”. I said, “But thats not the point. Hypothetically let us assume they will. Then what?”. After a brief argument, I could make him agree to the point that he wants his wife to accept his parents as they are, even though they are mean. Of course, there should be constant effort to convey to the parents that what they are doing is wrong but we should not abondon them.

Secondly, I want an excellent communication between us. Seemless uncensored unedited communication where one is not afraid of being judged by another. This requires enormous trust on the other person. I had and still have lot of friends but there are very very few with whom I can tell anything without being judged. Sometimes, I just go ahead and get judged. But the price I pay for that is being stamped as X or Y just based on one or two stray incidents and your related behavior before and after those incidents is not taken into consideration to re-evaluate the judgement, may be because the judgement is too strong or they are too busy. So after few such incidents, you want to avoid the complications that arise from such situations and avoid being judged. So there is lot of filtering, editing, sensoring about what to say, what not to say, etc etc. So its not free communcation, you have to think a lot and its tiresome. I do not want to do that with my wife, all along life. Both of us should try to accept the other person as they are, not afraid of being not accepted by the other person because you did something or you did not do something.

If some already experienced people read this post, they might think that I am too young to under the complications of life, I am being very idealistic which does not work in real world. Yeah, I know that part of the story too, but hey, whats wrong in writing down the ideal conditions that should prevail in my post-marriage and hope for the best. What do you say?

I better stop this already too long post.

(Hopefully to be continued).

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~ by loginlogout on January 20, 2010.

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